As the seasons change, siblings may be spending a little more time indoors with each other. As many parents know, increased time together can sometimes lead to increased fussing and rivalry.
While your children may usually view their siblings as allies and playmates, vying for caregiver attention is a very common experience for little ones. As a parent, you can normalize your child’s feelings and take proactive steps to address their feelings. Here are our top tips for taming sibling rivalry when it appears in your family.
1. Determine the Context
If your kids are usually content to spend hours independently playing together, a sudden rift in communication or closeness may worry you. You may notice an older sibling complaining about a little brother or your youngest child calling your oldest child “bossy.” Usually, these changes in relationship harmony are to be expected from time to time. However, if you notice an increase in discord or frustration, it may have something to do with a change in your child’s life. Your child’s feelings about stress, transition, or change may be expressed in this way.
Reflect on any current changes that might be happening in your household. Has the pandemic or a change in work schedules made their days look a little different? Is there a new addition to your family? Remember, even positive changes like starting school or moving into a twin bed can create complex feelings in a child. Try saying the following to your little one: “I’ve noticed you’ve felt frustrated with your sister lately, and you are really wanting my attention. Are you feeling worried or sad about anything going on? It’s ok to tell me how you’re feeling.” You may be surprised to hear that your child is missing an older sibling who is going off to school or is worried about a family member who’s feeling under the weather. Understanding the reasons behind the rivalry can help you address those sensitivities more directly.
2. Prioritize Solo Playtime with Each Child
If you notice squabbles arising a little more often with your child, he or she may just need some extra special solo time with you. Taking time to connect with each of your children individually is a great way to help maintain a secure connection with them. Weekly or monthly outings and activities will help your child feel close to you and less likely to try and vie for your attention. Since she knows she already has a planned special time set aside with you, she’ll feel more reassured and calm.
For activities, try to plan outings that are specifically targeted to your child’s interests. If he loves snacks, maybe the two of you could make a batch of cookies. If she can’t get enough books, a visit to a library and some shared storytime could be perfect. A movie night with popcorn is a fun way to bond, and working together on a puzzle or an art activity are both great memory makers. Take the time you have together to ask about your child’s feelings and provide positive encouragement and reinforcement. Kind words can go a long way in soothing sibling relationships!
3. Encourage Kids to Express Their Ambivalence
When it comes to family dynamics, kids can experience a lot of different feelings. Some days they may feel like their younger sis is their best friend. Other days they may feel like a younger child is getting too much attention from mom and dad. As a parent, you can reassure your child that feeling both of these things is ok. When children know it’s safe to express negative emotions, they’re more likely to use their words to tell you how they feel, rather than sending the message in less positive ways.
As always, parental reassurance of love and attention is a wonderful way to let kids know they’re valued. Help children understand their siblings by explaining that younger children may need more attention and help when they’re young, but that doesn’t last forever. As a family, celebrate the accomplishments of each child equally so that every member of the family feels acknowledged.
4. Foster an Inclusive Family Culture
It might help to reflect on your own language and framing of situations and alter that if needed. Do you ever playfully encourage competition between siblings? Maybe you make a game of who finishes chores first, or perhaps your family games usually have one winner. Although these types of contests can be great activities and foster healthy competition and persistence skills, your family could switch things up. Try some family activities that promote a strong team spirit and working together towards a goal.
Collaborative board games are a great way to build camaraderie among siblings. Even the youngest members of your family can get in on the fun. The board game Max is a collaborative game for ages 3-8 where children work together to help chipmunks hide from a neighborhood cat. In addition to promoting teamwork, it also encourages children to brainstorm creative solutions to meet a goal. For kids in the 5-7 age range, try The Secret Door game. In this game, parents and kids work together to recover treasure hidden behind several doors.
5. Choose Childcare that Values Individual Expression and Team Spirit
It’s important to remember that family relationships and dynamics change often. A few weeks or months of increased sibling rivalry doesn’t mean it will stay that way forever. Instead, by working on building teamwork into your family culture, you can help every member feel valued.
At the Gardner School, we work hard to help each child feel valued and unique. In our classrooms, children learn to work collaboratively and practice creative thinking. Even our uniforms for older preschoolers help kids feel like they’re part of a team. It’s our mission to consistently partner with parents to help kids succeed inside and outside of school. Contact us today to learn more about our programs or to schedule a virtual tour.